Operation Re-Fuel | a document of an artist

I always thought life was perfect with 2 children. One boy one girl… it just seemed right. When I got pregnant with Hudson it was on a different level of excitement because it was the first pregnancy that we didn’t wait and wait and wait (or rather- practice practice practice ;) for. We were both content and then HELLO, baby on board!!  You know the saying,” You don’t miss what you don’t have”? It’s SO TRUE!! If you take Hudson out of my life, you might as well take my life away, but yet, I remember that we were content. I say that I “remember” because now I can’t even recall the feeling of contentment! It’s a feeling that is so insanely whack to me now! He just completes me on a level I never knew existed.

While I have been taking a little time off (if that’s what you want to call it), I’ve spent time to reflect on 2011.  November and December and half of January are a HUGE blur to me. I over booked myself big time, but tis the season for weddings and extended family pictures! I felt so much guilt taking the time off since I have photos that need editing… but my husband told me in the mist of a stress breakdown “even you need a vacation once in a while” to which I replied, “when your self employed you don’t get to clock out!… (after a long pause- cuz hubby didn’t know what to say to make me feel better)… I added “buuuuut that’s also the perk of being self employed!” Really, could their be a better job? I’m doing what I LOVE, what I’m PASSIONATE about. (It kinda like being able to eat a million cupcakes a day without any regret!) I can carpool kids to school and pick them up, they can have play dates and I make their lunch. I make dinner and do homework, I tuck them into bed at night. A dream life! But I guess with every high there is a crash. I crashed, thought about throwing in the towel, felt like I couldn’t compete and that I was beating my head against a brick wall… I had a moment! So I pulled the rains and stopped to observe. I really felt like I had no reason to be bummed, because quite frankly I had a very blessed year. I blame it on stress, feeling like I just couldn’t keep up with everything (home, kids, business… hubby!). So… First I paid my Q4 taxes, while I was down I figured I might as well be doooown!  Then I spent a couple days just squeezing the heck out of my kids. Hello! Mommy’s back!! (okay no more talk about the munchkins that just about made me cry)… I bought a saw and wood and made new fabric backdrops, redesigned the blog/website, restructured pricing and details and OH YA, designed blue prints for my new in-home STUDIO!! :) *squeal* One reason it’s good to have a breakdown in your husbands chest… it’s much easier to ask for the things you desperately want need!! Men really are soft hearted in moments like these. oh, Who am I kidding? It was totally “existing studio turned into man cave” that sealed the deal. Nevertheless the excitement is killing me!! I’m sure it will be a sloooow process, but at least it’s morphing into something more than just an idea!

Operation Re-FUEL complete! I am recharged and ready for 2012.  And truth be told, I think my kids are ready for their mom to not notice every move they make— I know now how their bedroom can be clean and organized one minute and the next not a single inch of carpet can be seen. They are like mini tornados! It really is amazing, I’ll show you one day!…

Before, photography was just a hobby. I remember I was content. Now, I can’t even recall the feeling of contentment. Take photography out of my life, you take the life out of me. Photography  just completes me on a level I never knew existed.

and how could it not? sweet dreams -chant